Anything For A Dinar
K. Stoddard Hayes gets under the skin of the ancient world’s greatest conman… er, salesman: Salmoneus.
Official Xena Magazine: Issue 05
Toga salesman. Real estate salesman. Charity art contest organiser. Wax museum owner. Bookie. Antiques dealer. Beauty contest impresario. Seltzer baron. And even manure salesman. If there's a way to make a dinar through selling, hustling, acting as an agent, getting a finder's fee or taking a percentage, Salmoneus has tried it.
“I'm greedy. Anything for a dinar, that's me. I'm shameless, money-hungry and conniving,” he says to Nemesis when she comes hunting him in The Fire Down Below.
Salesman is the word Salmoneus prefers to describe his calling. Some, especially those who consider he has cheated them, would prefer ‘huckster’ or ‘con artist.’
If there were travelling salesmen and used chariot salesmen in Ancient Greece, Salmoneus would be their finest example. Those who know him best accept this aspect of him with resignation and mild exasperation. On learning that a warlord is out for Salmoneus’ blood, Xena cuts through his protestations of innocence, asking, “What’d you sell him?” until Salmoneus confesses he sold the warlord a load of bogus weapons.
When he and Hercules arrive at a well-attended wedding, Salmoneus bursts out, “Look at all the prospects!” then quickly corrects himself: “guests!”
“I can’t believe your ability to turn anything into a profit making venture,” says Hercules, and Salmoneus responds, irrepressibly, “It’s a gift.”
Salmoneus prides himself on his salesmanship, and on being able to haggle, cajole and persuade just about anyone to buy just about anything. However, his silver tongue shines its brightest and moves its fastest when he is trying to talk himself out of trouble. He pours out a stream of flattery and babble that persuades even Xena in her dark days to spare his life after the destruction of a village. He succeeds in talking himself out of trouble only about half the time, though. The rest of the time, he needs his friends Hercules and Xena to rescue him.
Physical activity is anathema to Salmoneus. He considers manual labour beneath him, since he lives by his wits. Ask him to do a little heavy work, and he’s quick to find either excuses or complaints that will keep him from working: a bad back or a pulled muscle, perhaps. And as for fighting, forget it! In a brawl, Salmoneus will be found hiding under or behind something (or someone, like Hercules), or if that doesn't work, crawling through the battle on hands and knees, hoping to keep below the line of fire. He will strike a blow only as a last resort, usually from safely behind the foe, with a large blunt object. The only time we ever see him really fight is when he is under a spell, like the athletic Salmoneus clone conjured by a crafty genie in Genies and Grecians and Geeks, Oh My!
The only physical activity Salmoneus really enjoys is the kind a man does with one or more beautiful young women, perhaps in a bath full of pearls, or surrounded by 50 princesses. Most of the time, Salmoneus loses out on these activities, since beautiful young women don’t always see the attraction of a plump, balding, timid salesman, especially compared to Hercules. While Atalanta pines for Hercules, Salmoneus endures torments of jealousy pining for Atalanta. Every once in a while his kindness wins out, as at the end of The Fire Dawn Below, when one of his gold-digging maidens returns to him, though he is now broke, just because he was kind to her.
Though he may appear at first to be a schemer always looking ahead, the truth is that Salmoneus lives very much in the moment. He always gives his full attention to whatever venture he is pursuing at the present, mainly because he is certain that this is the one that will make him rich. When he encounters the inevitable setbacks and disasters, he quickly adapts to the new situation, whether by coming up with a different angle to save a scheme, or by cutting his losses and trying to save his life. On the few occasions when he does strike it rich, he makes the most of the opportunity to live in luxury. In The Fire Down Below, he enjoys his brief prosperity by indulging in luxurious baths, sumptuous clothes and the attentions of beautiful little gold-diggers. And true to the kind heart that beats under his opportunistic hide, he does his best to persuade his friend Hercules to share his good fortune.
Salmoneus shares most of his adventures with Hercules, whom he describes as his ‘best friend,’ starting almost immediately after their first meeting. He rarely has a serious storyline, or even a serious moment, in any episode in which he appears. He’s almost always there to provide comic relief with his obsession for a fast dinar, and his lightning about-faces from greed to cowardice. But occasionally he raises his eyes above his own interests to provide some much-needed perspective for the main characters. When Hercules and Xena are trying to beat each other senseless in The Gauntlet, it’s Salmoneus who points out that the real enemy is Xena’s former lieutenant, and that they should be working together to defeat him before he massacres more villages. And despite his timidity, he has an essential decency that usually brings some nobility and courage to the surface in a crisis. In Eye of the Beholder, he is so disgusted with the cowardice and bigotry of the villagers that he would rather be with Hercules and the Cyclops, even if it means fighting. In Under the Broken Shy he protects one of his ‘ladies’ from the brutish attentions of a thug, while in As Darkness Falls, he makes himself a decoy to help Hercules stalk a murderous Centaur.
Salmoneus has made only a few appearances on Xena: Warrior Princess, perhaps because there is less room for his kind of buffoonery in the darker and more closely woven world of Xena. But Salmoneus comes into his own in one of his Xena appearances. In Here She Comes... Miss Amphipolis, he seems more at home and more successful than in any other venture. His gift of the gab, his showmanship and his affection for all beautiful women make him the perfect beauty pageant impresario - if only he wouldn’t sing!
Xena also gives him what may be his most serious performance. In The Greater Good, Salmoneus makes the discovery that Xena has succumbed to the poison of a dart. There’s not the smallest hint of comedy in the scenes when he mourns over her body, then has to tell Gabrielle what has happened. Then, as he sits by Xena’s shrouded body, thinking of his employees and of the approaching warlord, Xena’s memory prompts him to his greatest act of heroism.
“All right. I know what I have to do,” he tells her unhearing body. To save the villagers from massacre or slavery, the timidest salesman in the world offers his own life to the vengeful warlord in exchange for their safety.
Self-serving comic characters like Salmoneus are a stock element of television, and far too many of them diminish into annoying little caricatures. Salmoneus may not have changed much in five years, but nor has he diminished. Instead, his kind heart raises him above the ordinary, and even above his own greed, so that the opportunistic salesman becomes a timid and likeable everyman among the heroes.